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Saturday, February 28, 2015


In honor of my worst enemy “March” I have decided to write this. It is against my better judgement but im doing it out of respect for my family and friends. And also so that my followers can get to know a little bit more about me as a person.
This will be a long read..


In 1974 I was 2 years old and diagnosed with Type1 Diabetes. I struggled with it all my life. In 2005 i was diagnosed with Gastroparesis and Diabetic Neuropathy. And was determined permanently disabled and put on social security. I was a very hard and stubborn worker and this decision devastated me but I didn’t give up (never fucking give up!!!) . I had two wonderful sons a stepdaughter and beautiful girlfriend who i intended to marry and needed me.  Though very sick i did everything i could to provide both mental and financial support for the people i loved so much, with a big goofy smile on my face. My girlfriend was very strong loving and worked hard to be supportive in every possible way as well ( she was my fucking rock). Yes we struggled but it was a Time that tried us and made us even stronger as a family.  We pushed on…..

2006 Mom

Years had passed and things had gotten somewhat more stable for us. My mother however had gotten an infection in 2006 that nearly took her life. she was in a comma for two months and had her leg amputated from the streptococcus A virus. she was around 60 at this point. She and my much younger brother were relocated near me so that i could help take care of  her. The pressure was on, sick mom, sick me and the finances and exterior support were few and far between. 

2012 Dad

My father who had been separated from my mother for 40 yrs and re-married. He and i had re- established our relationship and become BFF’S. Most of the reason our relationship was less then perfect was my fault prior to this. I was a rebellious teenager and stubborn. We both banned together to help my mother try to pull through. Both of my parents were very well respected and important civil rights activist throughout the 70’s and 80’s. And were in positions of high power in their fields (This is a novel in itself).
My Dad had also become somewhat ill which until now i did not know to what extent. He spared me this info, he is a strong selfless man. 

Feb 2012

Mom had been in and out of the hospital she had become an alcoholic and had given up on her fight. The phone calls for help were constant, painful and trying to say the least.  Most of me and the wifeys time was spent driving the 30 mile stretch to make sure she was ok. Food, meds, hugs love and support. I tell mom ” I love you don’t die on me i need you”.  Her house was being taken along with her strength and will.  Visiting her resembled a horror movie in a crack house and brought me to tears every time.

Late Feb

Dad calls…He sounded sad and in tears he says to me ” I wish i could have been a better father if i had died a few years ago you would have been rich and could help out your mom. This scared the fuck out of me (NOT MY DAD). throughout my entire life he had never spoken to me in this way. Not you man you are are what keeps me going, My strength my support..stop that shit….(Tears).

Around February 27

The phone rings its Cindy my fathers longtime girlfriend. Cindy:  ”your father is in intensive care i found him on the floor unable to move”. He had been that way for days he had the phone but refused to call for help. Hes dying they say he may not make it threw the night……Damn!!!
Pack clothes, find someone to watch young kids, drive the 400 miles to the hospital. We arrive..family friends everywhere and love. Hes in a seduced coma and on life support. Two days pass I spend private time with him apologizing for not being a better son and telling him everything will be ok. My sisters and other family members do the same. On march first after 12:00 am he dies.
Next morning i decide to take a walk i think about everything and all the wonderful gifts my father had given me through his love for me.
The phone rings its mom, Mom in tears: I’m sorry about your father. I loved him very much and he loved you very much. Mom:  ” I’m in intensive care I may be dying”. 

Early March

We stay at my fathers and attend the service. During this time i stay in touch with mom. We head back home after clearing things up at my fathers residences.
Home, Mom is now in a drug induced coma. My mother fights for three plus weeks in and out of consciousness. In a moment of conciseness she says to me ” Im worried about your son and your brother”. I tell her, Mom i will do 150% to make sure they are ok and live great lives.  All of us had been in and out of hospitals for over a month. I had no choice but to return to work the next day scrubbing toilets for chump change at this point literally. On march 31st Hospice calls and says your mother just passed early this morning while you were at work. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I had tried and tried to make sure i was there for her when it was over.
A year passes and I’m a hot mess. Depression sets in and i myself look to the bottom of a bottle for help (really bad idea). I did receive life insurance and IRA’s from my parents but not a ton. Bills are backed up and life’s a struggle to say the least. Most of the money I gave to friends and family that i felt needed it more than I. Plus now i had my younger brother living with me because my mothers house was foreclosed on and taken. I got a tv and that was good enough for me.
In 2013 my physical and mental health were both falling apart. After frequent doctor visits i was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. Yippy god thanks, lets see what else you can throw at me. I make bad decisions and let myself become a victim of self pity but I pushed on and handled business.
Ever other month a shut off notice was posted on the door for something and we went that Christmas without water and electricity. The stress that this put on whifey was unfair. 

End of 2013

Our relationship had become brittle to say the least, I was a drunken mess. Whifey was having health problems that were getting worse and the doctor suggested an MRI. um cool but no health insurance, $5000 plus. She got help and scraped the money together (very strong smart women).  Two days later we went to the doctor to find out what was going on. Doctor: "Do you have insurance and good support?"….. I’m sorry but it appears that you are in the late stages of Multiple Sclerosis. Mam you need to act quickly you have multiple lesions on your brain. You may end up paralyzed and blind within months. No!!! No!!! No!!!... Till this day she does not know that I came home drunk that night and had a loaded 12 gauge in my mouth. I’m sorry I gave up honey.
The fact that she needed me now more than I needed her was what made me put the gun down. 
Our medical bills were at a gastronomic level. Within a few months she left me for someone else. I do not blame her. I believe that she did not want to put me through the pain of taking care of her and watching her suffer. Especially with my health condition and mental state. I love you and I always will and I think about you every day and my failure with you is what is helping me to become a better stronger man…Im Sorry.

The past few years we have lost everything, I’m broke loosing the house as i type this and because of my bad choices I now owe the IRS ca-thousands of dollars. This is because of my poor negligence with the IRA's and dispensing the money to people that needed it . I struggle just to put food in our mouths on a daily basis and spend most of my time in hospitals and doctors offices. But as terrible position I'm in   I SMILE EVERY DAY and try and try to make things better and help others in the process. I NEVER FORGET EVERY DAY THAT YOU WAKE UP IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE FORWARD. and there are always people worse off than you.

Forgive me followers if my post are sporadic and inconsistent. I love blogging and I appreciate you interest and loyalty. I’m doing my best but I have a lot on my plate and must try to get myself out of this huge hole I have dug. Survival is day to day with me now and testing every bit of my mental strength. My true love of survival and prepping has been put to a halt for a while. I will keep on this and update this blog as much as psychically possible.
Thank you.

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